


I Love to Suck [...]!

by Rabentochter, Raven_Ehtar



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Crack, Happy Hogan is a Good Bro, Humor, James "Rhodey" Rhodes is a Good Bro, Language, Lawyer Loki, Loki (Marvel) Does What He Wants, Loki (Marvel) Gets What He Wants, M/M, Memes, POV James "Rhodey" Rhodes, Pepper Potts Is a Good Bro, Prompt Fill, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Tony Stark Gets What He Wants, Tumblr Prompt, homophobic content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-10-27 00:07:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17756138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rabentochter/pseuds/Rabentochter, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raven_Ehtar/pseuds/Raven_Ehtar
Summary: Tony likes D and Rhodey hates memes.





	I Love to Suck [...]!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dendrite_blues](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dendrite_blues/gifts).



> **Rabentochter:** This was inspired by a tumblr post (see End Notes) and _someone_ thought it would be a wise idea to share _another_ prompt in the Discord. And since it was a beautiful prompt, Sesil decided to do it and dragged the amazing Ehtar into it. 
> 
> Den, this is for you. Thank you for enriching us with this cracky little plot, we hope you enjoy :D
> 
> **Ehtar:** I'm not sure how I got here, but this was fun to do. Enjoy the crack, everyone! ♥

Rhodey loved his friend. Not only because he was a soft marshmallow, hidden beneath all that tough exterior, but also because he strived to do _good._

Even if ‘good’ meant all sorts of things when one was talking about Anthony Edward Stark. 

Good meant donating a lot of money to an animal shelter just because Tony saw an article about it in the news. Good meant installing free Wi-Fi at the Tower so that everybody who didn’t have their own WI-Fi could still have access to the internet. 

But good also meant seeing his best friend on television, driving by an anti-homosexual rally in his car and yelling: “I LOVE TO SUCK DICKS!” 

Rhodey assumed Tony yelled dicks. It got bleeped out. But there weren’t so many other options that could turn those homophobes all red and made them shake their fists at him. 

And Tony’s satisfied smile, captured on camera … well, he hoped Tony had gotten his fun out of it and could declare he did his one good deed for today. His mom always used to say that the Scouts had lost a good one with Tony. 

His mom. Thought. Tony. Would have been. A good. Scout. 

Clearly, she saw Tony with different eyes than him. And Pepper and Happy. The three of them knew what a little dip-shit Tony actually was. 

Maybe he should send her the clip with Tony yelling that he loves sucking dicks. Or not. She’d just see it as a sign of Tony’s goodness and praise him for his support of marginalized people and then scold _him_ for not having invited Tony yet to their next big family gathering. 

Rhodey pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing. It really was typical of Tony to do something like this. It wasn’t that he was shocked at Tony’s behavior - he might have been more shocked if he’d driven past the rally and _hadn’t_ done something like this - but really? This was what he was going to be dealing with for the next god-only-knew-how-long until the media decided to calm down about it again? It had been bad enough when he’d had to act as Tony-wrangler back when Tony had been tied so close to the army with his weapons making. While he no longer had to worry about the army side of things, Tony’s behavior had only gotten more unpredictable. Somehow. 

Why did he had to be one of the people who had even a modicum of success in wrangling his friend? That sort of made it his responsibility, didn’t it? It wasn’t like he could leave Pepper and Happy to do it all themselves…

He would have liked to, though. If for no other reason, then it would give him the opportunity to actually sleep.

* * *

The first wave of memes came to his attention when he woke up to a text from Tony. It was a picture of himself, in the car he’d been driving in when he went by the rally, with the by-now very familiar phrase emblazoned over the still: “I LOVE TO SUCK DICKS.”

The “DICK” part was done in rainbow colors with a glitter effect.

Tony had only added a “ ** _;)_** ” to accompany the picture file.

It was still only a little after 3am. Rhodey decided to not respond until the sun came up, at least. Surely it wouldn’t get any worse until then?

* * *

It got worse. It got so much worse.

Tony had this thing where he was an inspiration to people. Which could be good, or it could be bad, depending on what people decided to emulate. Coming up with brand new weapons of mass destruction was one thing which went firmly into the Bad pile. Coming up with new and innovative green energy solutions went into the Good pile. 

This… this was going rather firmly into the Both pile. 

By now everyone on the planet must have seen Tony’s little stunt with the anti-gay rally. And in that time, apparently, there were plenty of other free spirits who decided that this was the kind of thing which one did when one came across homophobes in the wild.

Video after video was surfacing, showing groups of people finding homophobic rallys, walking up to them, and giving the best impression of the billionaire they could, yelling “I LOVE TO SUCK DICKS,” into the faces of irate protesters. 

Or rather, “I LOVE TO SUCK [bleep].” Everyone knew what they were saying, but the news wasn’t going to blast that for everyone to hear. Not during the day, anyway.

Some of the videos were actually impressive. People were doing this little tribute to Tony singly, in groups, some of them were even dressing up like Tony… there was one where a kid toddled up to the homophobes to shout the catch phrase at the protestors. Being a kid, they fixated on exactly the right words, and there was a stream of “SUCK [bleep] SUCK [bleep]” coming from the television for a good two minutes. 

It was both inspiring and horrifying. And Tony was eating it up with a spoon. 

Every morning Rhodey woke up to another message from Tony. It usually contained the newest meme iteration. Sometimes a “ _ **Morning, Rhodeybear. Don’t I look fantastic in this one?**_ ” would be attached to the morning’s selection. Waking up to a new Tony meme was certainly something. And not seldom Rhodey closed his eyes in defeat and sent back a “ _ **:))**_ ” and just … put away his phone for the rest of the day. There was something called too much Tony in the morning. 

Actually he wanted once, just for once, to send Tony the newest meme. But Tony always beat him to it. He blamed JARVIS for that. 

He blamed Tony for the questions he had to face now, though. Everybody knew that he was Tony’s best friend, so, surely he _had_ to know if Tony was gay right? 

Sometimes he would get approached at the military base, when all he wanted to do was take apart his suit and oil it. A bit of time where he tried to forget the turmoil that was going to happen soon (or: when he had to leave again) and shove all of the negative thoughts aside for a change. Nobody appreciates annoying colleagues, putting their noses where they don't belong. Or he would get approached - and delayed - while he was on the way to getting his breakfast. He just wanted some good smelling, still-warm-on-the-inside doughnuts, and to _enjoy_ his day off. 

Enjoy. 

Haha. 

All his joy evaporated when reporters approached him and shoved microphones and an endless amount of recording equipment under his nose. When all the reporters just suddenly appeared and there was no way out anymore, he had to say “Goodbye” to his warm doughnuts. 

“Is Tony Stark gay?” was one of the endless questions, but they were all asking the same in the end. 

“Is he gay?”

“Was he always gay?”

“Is he only sleeping with women to trick people into thinking he’s heterosexual?”

“Did he ever hit on you?” 

He barely managed a smile. Hopefully it wasn’t more teeth than smile and thought of Pepper and her instructions when she tried to help him to appear likeable to the media. Always a plus point to have the media on your side, one can never know when that would come handy later on. 

“I’ve known Tony Stark for many years now, and he has always been a kind and affectionate person, that’s what I can tell you,” Rhodey said. Doughnuts. He simply tried to hold onto the thought of his doughnuts and that he could eat them soon. 

“That’s very nice of you to say, Mr Rhodes, but it doesn’t answer our question,” one of the reporters cut in and smiled at him. As if he’d be charmed by a smile. No smile would ever distract him from his steadily chilling doughnuts and the fact that a peaceful breakfast wasn’t possible anymore. 

All of Rhodey’s patience had been taken up by Tony and his antics. He was not prepared to deal with news people with plastered smiles all pandering to their audiences with the supposed scandal that his friend might be - _gasp_ \- gay.

He leveled the one who’d asked the question with his steeliest look. “He’s never sucked _my_ dick. Any other dicks are his own business.”

As far as distracting comments went for hardened media people, it wasn’t very much, but it was enough to buy him a couple seconds of stunned silence and just enough leeway so he could shove past them and make his way to his doughnuts.

* * *

Really, he should have kept his mouth shut. Of all the things he should have learned after years of hanging around with Tony Stark, he _should_ have learned to keep his damned. Mouth. _Shut._ Especially around microphones. 

But no. Of course not. He had to go and make a comment about dicks to a bunch of rabid news reporters. 

The text he got from Tony the next morning was one where he registered Tony’s snarky little caption before he noticed the picture. “ _ **Aww, honey-boo, I’m so proud of you. :3**_ ”

He almost put the phone down before he even looked at the picture attachment. Anything that came with _that_ sort of caption wasn’t going to be good. But he was going to see it at some point, anyway. Possibly on the news. Or sent to him by _other_ people who were going to be much less friendly and understanding about whatever it was that had happened. 

So he opened the attachment. 

He stared at it.

It was a series of stills, each of them featuring people with signs reading variations on a similar theme: “MY DICK IS TONY STARK’S BUSINESS.” Some of them were wearing clothes obviously meant to be reminiscent of Rhodey’s uniform. One guy went the extra mile and was dressed up as War Machine.

Rhodey groaned and rolled back over. If sleep didn’t come, then maybe death could find him first.

* * *

Backlashes were their own brand of hell, Rhodey considered. Anything which sparked off a backlash was by definition bad _enough,_ but it had this habit of picking up momentum and getting so much worse than whatever it was which started it all. 

And then you could get backlashes _to the first backlash,_ which was just… exhausting. And sad, sometimes. 

This second-degree backlash was definitely both of those things. 

New memes were popping up. Obviously based on the first wave, and just as obviously put together by people who had no real idea of what they were doing. Their entire purpose was to throw back what had been thrown at their creators as a sort of playground level comeback. 

The first morning when Rhodey got the text and attachment with the caption of Tony laughing, he wasn’t even sure if he was fully awake or if he were still dreaming.

Some idiot had decided that would be an excellent idea to dress in full Jesus costume, standing in front of St. Patrick’s Cathedral, his arms raised and beard artfully arranged, with the words, “I LOVE SUCKING UP… TO JESUS!!” emblazoned across it.

It was going to be a long day.

* * *

Why did he think again it would all calm down in time? That the media would at some point lay off and leave them _alone_ again? 

He had to admit, it all calmed down for a bit. He got fewer questions and the memes had started to dwindle. Rhodey thought they’d be safe for a precious day. A day without nuisances and such. But of course, that was when _another_ homophobic rally was held and he could … well … he sat there in his armchair and facepalmed himself. 

And read Happy’s text, obviously. 

Because Tony somehow got it into his head to attend that rally. And not just driving by in his car this time. No. 

Rhodey groaned when the news station showed another video of Tony, walking down the street proudly in his new rainbow coloured suit and glitter in his hair and glitter guns.

He thought Tony had been joking when he texted him if a gun shooting glitter was a cool idea or more “naaah.” And he, in his sleep-deprived state after having enjoyed a day off, answered in his madness “ _ **Cool shit. Build me one?**_ ” 

He was a mad, mad, mad air force fighter. 

“ _ **He’s just walking down the streets….. How tf do I stop him?**_ ” 

He had read Happy’s text and all Rhodey could do was to sigh. Loudly. He felt for Happy, knowing that feeling when Tony just did what he wanted to do, not taking into account how it would make other people feel. 

That was harsh, but Tony tended to act rather spontaneously on a whim rather than to sit back for a moment and think things through. Like he was doing right now. Chanting with teenagers gathered around and following him down the street: “I LOVE TO SUCK DICKS.” And he was pretty sure he heard “AND EATING PUSSIES,” as well. Equality for all.

A smile tugged on his lips. If Tony wasn’t such a dumbass at times he’d realise maybe more often what an influence he had on others and what he could accomplish if he just set his mind to it. 

“ _ **Corner him at the end of the street or ask JARVIS to help you?**_ ” he texted Happy back, not sure what else he could say. Or how to help him. Tony was a force of nature of his own and trying to get him to stop doing something when he was having so much fun …? Not recommended. 

It would be interesting to see how Happy got Tony back to the Tower, or if Pepper had to step in and threaten Tony with some heavy counter-measures. Although he cannot imagine that, Pepper is just another soft marshmallow on the inside and wants equality. More likely that she’d join Tony on his march. 

Or, not. Not with her being a CEO and wanting respect from other condescending asshats that thought participating in a march made one weak and an easier victim for them. Pepper would still tear them to pieces. 

She was badass like that. 

And so, Tony Stark as meme bloomed back to life like a tree after a long winter, and Rhodey could just hold on and try to survive. 

The memes returned with full force and the first got delivered at exactly 3 o’clock each morning. Definitely JARVIS’ fault.

* * *

The next set of pictures took a little longer to get to him. To be fair - though on who, Rhodey wasn’t sure - the next set which were sent to him weren’t individual memes so much as they were reaction memes. While Tony had been out on his very, very rainbow colored walkabout, he’d come face to face with one of the irate protestors. 

Rhodey had no idea what had been said or any of the lead up to the moment when the picture had been taken, but someone had been quick with the snap. Tony, in full pride regalia, standing in front of a very angry protester holding a sign which read “JESUS’ DICK IS NO ONE’S BUSINESS” (what the hell…?) and blowing an entire fistffull of glitter right in their face. All that could be seen of the protester was an angry, open mouth and a lot of glitter.

It didn’t become a meme which was seen a lot at first. It was more a reaction image put on the end of threads which featured heavily in the anti-gay rhetoric. Homophobes being dense and not listening to what you’re saying? That was the image of choice to get thrown up in response.

As images went, it was a good one. There wasn’t much which could top Tony frigging Stark in a rainbow suit, decked out in glitter and blowing even more glitter into an angry homophobe’s face as a quick clapback to said homophobes. 

You almost couldn’t see Happy in the back, looking like he was having a damned heart attack.

* * *

The next evolution of the memes took place not just with images, but with sound. When Tony (or JARVIS, whichever of them was in charge of _picking_ these things he was sent) sent him his daily text with attachment, he nearly choked on the size of the file, until he saw it was a video.

It was the old clip, the one of Tony in the car, shouting about sucking dick. But in this version it was censored. So instead of it being “I LOVE SUCKING [bleep],” the standard bleep had been replaced with the sound of Tony’s repulsors charging up. 

It wasn’t long before that caught fire all by itself. People started carrying around tiny players which only played that sound. Text which read “I LOVE SUCKING [REPULSOR CHARGE]” started showing up. The sound of Tony’s repulsors were used en masse to drown out the speeches being given at the anti-gay rallies…

Tony had become a major LGBT icon in the course of a few weeks. More specifically, his was the image turned to when one was fighting back against the anti-gay discourse. It wasn’t something which anyone had noticed yet, but Rhodey knew that he was also funneling a lot more in the way of donations towards causes and charities involved with those communities than he had been before. 

All because he’d felt like shouting out his window at a bunch of homophobic morons carrying signs.

And then things evolved from memes to straight up cease and desist orders.

* * *

The next thing that happened was hearing from Tony he was getting sued. Apparently Tony Stark infringed on other people’s right to free speech. Rhodey can’t remember the last time he laughed so loud. Tony getting sued was one thing - and not an uncommon one, his friend got sued like every other half year or more often - but a cease and desist order? Hilarious. 

He sent a pic of him wiping away the tears to Tony and Pepper, receiving a pouting (Tony) and an amused (Pepper) emoji back for his efforts. The accusation was only a set-up to humiliate and ridicule Tony, he knew that. His friend never lost a case, Stark Industries’ lawyers were just too good. Pepper made sure from the beginning on they all received good wages and …. well, Stark Industries was a place where people wanted to be hired.

After a good breakfast and a cup of steaming coffee, he checked his phone again for messages. Tony had texted him to come over to the Tower, they had to plan strategies for the court hearing and Rhodey was obviously needed as an eye-witness. So, he had to come to the Tower. 

He dearly wished he had stayed at home. Or went to another bakery, getting more doughnuts. If he had, he wouldn’t have encountered Tony’s future lawyer. And his poor nerves wouldn’t be so strained. 

Having reached the Tower he was welcomed by JARVIS, who promptly directed him up to the penthouse where both Tony and Pepper were waiting for him. They both haggled over the lawyer they wanted to have at this hearing since this could be the time to introduce a newer, fresher one into the role of ‘Stark Industry lawyer’. It would be an easy case, no chance at losing so this was a safe bet, wasn’t it? It would be a shame not to seize this opportunity. 

Before they could settle on one though, JARVIS announced that they had a new visitor, who claimed to be a lawyer and was interested in the case. Tony just nodded amused and said, they could just take some lawyer right? Better to take that one before they ripped each other apart. 

Diplomacy was only at times one of Tony’s strengths and this was one. 

And that was how Rhodey met Loki Laufeyson. A tall British guy, clad in a hoodie that ruined all first good impressions. It was one of those hoodies that read “MY DICK IS TONY STARK’S BUSINESS.”

No way this was a real lawyer, he thought until Laufeyson pulled up his licence - an official one, holy fuck. One glance at Tony and Rhodey knew that whatever he and Pepper would say to this lawyer, Tony would just blank them out and concentrate on the man in front of him. 

Clearly Tony thought more with his lower head than with his upper one. 

Wasn’t Tony grown up enough by now? Oh no. Wait. He was talking about Tony Stark, of course he wasn’t grown up by now. Still stuck in that puberty phase. 

“It is my understanding that you are in need of legal advice.”

And yeah, okay, his voice would have been enough to make Rhodey melt a little bit too if he’d been right in front of the guy when he spoke. Watching Tony react to it was a little bit like watching a candle in front of a heater. 

Despite that, Tony put on a good show of _not_ melting on sight. Rhodey was rather proud of him. He gave the guy a good looking over head to toe - totally necessary, Rhodey was sure - and gave the hoodie particular attention. “That right? I’m sure I can’t think of _why_ you think I need any help?”

Pepper, who seemed to be on the same wavelength as Rhodey on this, gave Tony a sharp look, only half a second away from giving him an equally sharp kick in the ankle, from her expression. Rhodey would have been willing to hold him down, honestly.

Laufeyson - odd name - gave him a smirk. “From what I’ve been able to seen of your antics, in some ways you are doing just fine on your own, Mr. Stark. I doubt that even I could have caused quite this much chaos in so short a time - without setting off some sort of bomb, anyway. But I believe we have come to the point in which we should leave off the chaos for its own sake, and focus on reaping what benefits might be gained from it, yes?”

‘We.’ Laufeyson was framing all of this like he was already hired, and that the situation was as much his problem as it was Tony’s. Manipulative, but subtle. He might not be a bad lawyer, come to that.

He certainly seemed to have caught Tony’s attention, and for more than his looks or the smooth voice. His eyes lit up with interest at the lawyer’s suggestion. “Benefits from chaos, huh? What did you have in mind?”

“Oh, I have several things in mind, _Mr. Stark_ ,” he drawled. 

Rhodey could have groaned out loud. Did he _have_ to be a flirt as well?

“Principally, I have it in mind that you should walk out of this not only grinding this cease and desist order into the ground, but that those whom you have been effectively shielding this whole time will be safer in their pursuits, whether you are there to help them or not.”

“That sounds… can you manage that?”

It wasn’t often Rhodey saw Tony flabbergasted, but really, that was a _big_ claim the lawyer was making. Even Pepper looked suspicious at that hard of a sell. But it was difficult to think that Laufeyson _wasn’t_ serious. He sounded serious. He sounded _confident._ What sorts of tricks did he have up his sleeve? “If you work _with_ me instead of against me, I can manage that,” Laufeyson replied cheekily and Rhodey wanted to die. Right there. On the spot. Buried on Arlington Cemetery, with cannons firing to bid him farewell from this cruel world. 

“Then, welcome aboard,” Tony announced and stretched out his hand, to shake Laufeyson’s. 

All of the warning bells in Rhodey’s head were ringing and oh god, why was he even here and not at home? He didn’t want to see his friend being hit on by some lawyer, he didn’t need that, someone save him, please. 

Nobody came to his rescue though and Pepper just … pulled out a drawer from the desk to give Laufeyson an official contract of employment. They both knew when a battle was lost and this clearly was. Tony fucking Stark had set his sights on the lawyer and they would all burn and the apocalypse was coming faster than originally intended. 

So much for a relaxed day. 

“Mr Stark-”

“Tony, please. Mr Stark was my father,” Tony interrupted, and Rhodey had the sudden urge to vomit. 

“ _Tony,_ ” Laufeyson all but purred and just when Rhodey thought it wouldn’t get any worse … “Tell me, are you inclined toward men? I need to know that for _strategic_ reasons.” 

Brain bleach, that was the solution. He needed brain bleach. Or just a new brain. Pepper snorted beneath her breath and wait- 

He felt like she stabbed him in the front with a fork. She wasn’t supposed to find Attorney Severus funny. She was supposed to suffer with him because of _him._

“Yeah,” Rhodey drawled, rolling his eyes. “For lawyer reasons. No hidden agenda here, right.” 

“I wouldn’t call it hidden,” the lawyer grinned and tugged at his “MY DICK IS TONY STARK’S BUSINESS” hoodie. 

Rhodey just … hoped Laufeyson did a better job in court than at charming them. 

“If only business was just so much _fun_ all the time,” Tony said and checked out Laufeyson very not subtly at all. 

He wanted to leave. Leave and be gone from that horrendous sight, leaving it behind and only remembering it all when he was about to hold their wedding speech. Good story, certainly. Would get a lot of admirers for him and he wouldn’t have to pull another War Machine story out of his ass. 

Yeah, about that wedding speech … he ought to tell Pepper that. 

Eventually he found a good enough excuse to make an escape - something about meetings, he couldn’t really remember. Just something to get him out of the room which was becoming a tennis court of flirting. He couldn’t stomach it, and pitied Pepper - and felt a little guilty for leaving her in there, but really. He’d been turned into a meme as well. There was only so much he could be expected to put up with, here. 

On his way out, he sent Pep a text, reminding her to give Laufeyson the shovel talk before he left. Smooth talker he might be, but if he hurt his friend, he was getting the blunt end of _his_ suit straight up his ass. And that would only be if Pep didn’t get to him first. 

Hopefully, though, the two of them would settle down once they got over the ‘first meeting flirts.’ Once they got to talking about boring court procedure and plans of attack, there wouldn’t be all the much to get flirtatious _about._

* * *

Rhodey woke up to the familiar sound of his phone vibrating. He’d gotten so used to it and the exact time it arrived every morning that he could tell without even looking at his clock that this wasn’t that morning text. It was 2am at best, so unless JARVIS had decided to be extra cruel or something had come up which wouldn’t wait…

It was from Tony. No attachment, just a few lines of text. There were a few, actually. Somehow he’d slept through a bunch of them before waking up.

“ _ **This lawyer guy is pretty good. I’ve worked with some, but this one is actually bearable *and* knows his shit. Who knew?”**_

_**“He’s actually teaching *me* things about the law?? I thought I’d bent every rule enough to know them better than every lawyer.”** _

_**“Dude. This guy. So smart. Where the fuck has he been all my life?”** _

_**“I wanna keep him. You think it’s too forward to ask him to stay hired on for the foreseeable future once this is done?”** _

_**“Presuming we win.”** _

_**“Which I do. Duh.”** _

_**“He likes chow mein.”** _

_**“Shit. He took off that hoodie. He’s hot. He was hot before, but DAMN. ******_ ****”** **

That was the last text, the one which had woken him up. Rolling his eyes, Rhodey was about to put his phone away without answering any of them when it vibrated in his hand. Curious, he looked, and found a file attachment. He was almost afraid to open it. 

It wasn’t as bad as he’d been thinking. Just a picture of Laufeyson, sans DICK hoodie, his hair ruffled from having to pull it off over his head and wearing nothing but shirtsleeves and a loosened tie underneath. He was looking at the camera, not at all embarrassed, and wearing a smile. Not quite a smirk, not quite a full grin, he actually looked… genuine in the picture. Like he was enjoying Tony’s company just because.

Another text quickly followed.

“ _ **UNF.**_ ”

Sighing, Rhodey brought up Pepper in his contacts to send her another text. “ _ **Update: He’s a goner. Get on that talk asap before I have to murder an attorney.**_ ”

* * *

“ _ **I gave him the talk, Rhodey. He suggested we put it in his contract. I said yes.**_ ”

Obviously Pepper wasn’t taking this seriously enough if she could still joke about legal contracts.

* * *

“ _ **Rhod Pep. Lawyer groped boss in public. Boss didn’t mind. Advize? -HH.”**_

_**“Rolled up newspaper. -Col. J. R.”** _

_**“Just keep them out of sight, Happy, I’ll talk to them. -Potts.**_ ”

And that’s how the courtroom drama started. Although it was more like a courtroom drama romance. 

Laufeyson started gently with his … well, Rhodey couldn't call them anything but adversaries, he supposed. He pulled them in with his charm, an easy smile and some well-placed jokes while cataloguing the jury members. Afterwards, when they were finished for the day, he dragged them all with such a delightfully wicked grin … yeah, Rhodey could see where his friend was coming from with his crush on the lawyer. 

Although Tony denied it being a crush. He straight out called it a “fateful meeting” and that “it was meant to be” and he could “see them settle down somewhere with a white fence, some horses, a dog big enough to carry the newspapers and some kids, completing the picture.” 

He laughed when he saw the understanding of what he was actually saying dawn on Tony. Rhodey got poked in the ribs for making him see reason and tickled endlessly and that wasn’t very nice at all from Tony. He was just a poor sod from the army, it wasn’t his fault Laufeyson waltzed in their lives and stole Tony’s heart. Or, arc reactor in that case. 

Over the course of days he noticed how Laufeyson and Tony became more and more friendly with each other. The arse groping Happy saw? Not a single occurrence anymore. More of a day-to-day-happening thing and he never wished more for anything more than a warning sign or something when they were about to do that again. 

He was just glad that most of it stayed behind closed doors. 

But he couldn’t help but think “I’ve left them alone for too long,” when he came back from getting coffee and a cup of tea - because of course Laufeysoni would only drink tea - and saw them. Well. ‘Making out’ would describe what he saw very fittingly. 

But he let all the good drinks shatter on the ground and they both jumped apart as if they were bitten by a snake. He would have given Tony’s white fence for someone who could’ve captured that moment. If he could, he would print it out and pin it on his wall. It was a hilarious sight. Both of them disheveled, with swollen lips and huge eyes. 

It was a picture of ruined innocence and when was the last time he caught Tony so unaware? It was so delicious. So good. 

He sighed. He really wanted to make fun of them but he had matters to address with Tony. Preferably without the lawyer. 

“I’ll go and dress properly for the next hearing,” Laufeyson then said as if he’d read Rhodey’s thoughts. 

“Sound plan,” Rhodey replied, staring at his best friend who very deliberately tried not to stare after his _boyfriend._ If they already had talked about that and not just … made out and made each other pine after one another. 

He hates pining. 

The door shut with a quiet snap and Tony is all Rhodey’s for the next five minutes because in five minutes Laufeysoni will be back, he’d bet his watch on it. 

“For the love of God, Tony. Could you just wait till the trial’s over before you jump into his bed? Or he in yours?” 

“That demands a lot of self-discipline, Rhodes,” Tony replied smiling and tried to smooth his hair back in the usual state. It was a hopeless case. 

“I’m sure _Pepper_ will appreciate it. As well as I.” 

“But he won’t,” Tony nearly whined and pouted. “He’s a male version of Aphrodite, Platypus. I can’t keep my hands off him.” 

He shuddered. “Don’t say something like that, Tones. Please. There’s something called ‘Too Much Information’ and that is it.” 

“What? That I can’t keep my hands off him and want to plaster them all over his body?” 

“YES. THAT.” 

“But I need to share his magnificence with someone,” Tony wailed and grabbed for him. Rhodey escaped his greedy clutches only by pure luck. 

“Tony, for Chissakes--” He dodged another one of Tony’s grabs, slapping away his hands. “Could you please focus for just a second? I’m happy you found someone who makes you happy- _don’t,_ ” he warned, seeing the leer creeping over his face. “I do not need to know _how_ happy, _how_ often or _any_ details, alright? Just… I’m happy he’s making you happy. So far.”

“Well, that’s rather presumptuous, isn’t it? Assuming that he _won’t_ be making me happy at some point.”

“It’s my job as Over Protective Friend, alright?”

“Sounds more like a spoilsport to me.”

“ _Tony-_ ”

“Oh, c’mon!” Tony threw up his hands, looking genuinely frustrated now, and not just teasingly frustrated. “What’s the harm? Seriously? We get it going on a little bit-”

“Jesus Christ…”

“-we’re both legal, consenting adults, and this is _exactly_ the sort of freedom of expression we’re trying to defend! And if you’re worried about people finding out about it, so what if they do? I mean, can you imagine what everyone who’s been following this case would do if they found out?”

“Such things are what my nightmares are made of, yes, thank you.”

“No! I mean all those people out there rooting for us! They would be absolutely thrilled!”

“ _Tony,_ ” Rhodey grabbed him by the shoulders, forcing Tony to look him in the eyes. “I do not _care_ how much your fans would enjoy seeing you defended by a gay lawyer you happen to be boning, _no_. Absolutely not. Wait. Until. _After._ The. Trial.”

Tony pouted, deflating under his grip.

“Still a spoilsport.”

* * *

The mercies Rhodey could count were few enough, but at least it included Tony and his lawyer avoiding making out in the courtroom itself. Or groping each other, even. They were, much to his surprise, managing to keep themselves under remarkable control. He wondered a little if Pepper had given them a talking to, or if Tony actually possessed a little more self control than he’d been willing to credit him with in general. 

The fact that Tony had decided to come in his full rainbow suit, rainbow shades and hair glitter was actually not so bad when he knew what _could_ have happened.

As soon as they opened their mouths, however, he had to reevaluate. 

Before when they’d been in court, all of Laufeyson’s charm had been aimed outwards, winning those they needed to win to their side, making decisive cuts to the opposition, laying out all of the facts and legal presidences in ways which were easy to understand and very hard to interpret in any way other than what they wanted… Now all of that charm seemed to be aimed at his own client. Who was preening under the attention. 

Rhodey could feel himself aging in his seat. 

It was never anything which the opposition or the judge could actively call them out on, of course. Honestly, that was probably part of the fun they were having. He knew Tony well enough to know that playing just far enough within the rules to get away with his bullshit would be a major factor in his acting like an ass in court - and he could recognize the look well enough in Laufeyson to assume it was much the same for him.

If those two ever got together for real and managed to stay together, the world would be in danger of exploding.

* * *

It was the last day of this ridiculous hearing. And so far it looked like they were not only winning the case (no surprise here) but it also seemed like Laufeyson would hold his promise and new laws would be passed soon. 

He was there for every hearing, for every absurd insult the homophobes hurled at Tony who smiled them all off, for every pick-up line these two dolts came up with, for every wink and leer and suggesting eyebrow waggling. And still, he couldn’t fathom how Laufeyson managed that. 

Rhodey hoped it would be all over soon. Then he hopefully wouldn’t get any more memes in the morning - he’d miss them oh god - and he’d get to stop reprimanding Tony. And just let him have his roll in the hay. 

“Sir Rhodes,” Laufeyson greeted him on the way to the hearing with a smirk on his face.  
A smirk never meant anything good when this lawyer was concerned. He subtly checked out Laufeyson. Not in the way Tony does. Not a leering checking. More an “I Know You Did Something You Shouldn’t Have Done Now Let Me Look For Evidence” checking. 

He choked and coughed and felt an aneurysm forming when he saw glitter on Laufeyson’s pants. Not just anywhere, no. His chest would have been an ‘okay’ area, even his hair or his lower back. 

But not when the glitter was directly on his crotch area. 

His fingers trembled and he felt like, well, shooting Tony (just a small grazing wound, nothing serious) and Laufeyson (just so he felt the pain, nothing major, he’d never hurt Tony like that). 

“Is something the matter?” Laufeyson asked him sweetly and patted him on the back like a true friend who was concerned the other friend would suffocate on something that went down the wrong tube. He felt like crying. 

“Y-yes?!” he croaked when he finally calmed down enough to have buried his ready, aim, fire instinct. 

“Oh? How unfortunate.” 

“Laufeyson,” he hissed and saw him wince with some satisfaction on his part. 

“Will you ever call me Loki?” The lawyer wondered out loud and _still_ patted his back. Couldn’t he just keep his overly huge hands to himself or to Tony? 

“Seeing that you’re probably going to be sticking around and spreading _your_ glitter, I think I will do that.” A small smile formed on the lawyer’s lips. As if he was relieved that Rhodey would call him by his name. Maybe he saw that as a sign he got accepted by Rhodey into the Stark Family? “ _After_ the hearing, Laufeyson. You win that case first and then you have earned your name. That is if Tony isn’t getting sick of you in the next few weeks.” Not that he thought that was happening, not with Tony’s huge crush, but better safe and warn that bloke, right? 

“I don’t think he’ll get sick of me in the near future,” Laufeyson replied calmly and stared at his crotch, taking in the glitter there. “You think that’s a too obvious a sign?” 

He snorted. 

“Yes, thought so. Maybe I should quickly change my pants.” Belatedly he added an, “Again.” 

Rhodey’s pocket vibrated, he got a new message from Pepper. 

“ _ **Tony’s on the way to you. Keep him away from Laufeyson and pray the hearing ends today.**_ ” 

When he was about to reply, another message came in. 

“ _ **Don’t check the closet on the way to the courtroom. It’s like a disco went off in there.**_ ”

* * *

It was the last day of the hearing, and Rhodey was sure after about the first half an hour that Tony and Laufeyson had had a meeting beforehand, agreeing that they would make it the _worst_ day of Rhodey’s week. So far they were succeeding, and considering the kind of week he’d been having, it was an accomplishment. 

Laufeyson had changed his pants, which was something of a miracle. Having to wrestle the lawyer out of that damned “MY DICK IS TONY STARK’S BUSINESS” hoodie before he walked into the courtroom seemed pretty par for the course at this point. Plus, there was glitter stuck to him everywhere - glitter which Rhodey had missed in focusing so hard on the explosion of the stuff all over the front of his pants. But it was pretty much all over him, in bits. His hands, his jacket, in his hair and on his face - it was hard to miss, and with the flirting going on, _very_ hard to misinterpret. 

Tony was still in his rainbow suit - Rhodey could only assume that he had either been careful about not getting it wrinkled or otherwise soiled in the disco closet, or he actually had two of the things. For the last day, he’d gone wild with the makeup, adding sparkling eyeshadow and hot pink glittery lipstick. When Rhodey had hissed at him about Laufeyson showing too much of Tony’s handiwork, Tony had responded by leaning over and planting a kiss on his cheek. It itched, and Rhodey didn’t need to see or hear the reactions of the rest of the courtroom to know that Tony had left him with a glittering lipstick mark on his cheek. 

He left it on. It would only smear if he tried to wipe it away, anyway, and this was already a circus. Why stop now?

He would live with the image macro which would no doubt surface by morning.

How exactly Laufeyson was managing to keep everyone swayed was something of a mystery, but he was doing it. And Rhodey did have to admit that watching the opposition going apoplectic as they slowly realized that they were about to lose was immensely satisfying. 

Maybe if he just focused on the outrage of the opposition he wouldn’t feel quite so much like he was dying, sitting in the same room as a flirting Tony and Laufeyson.

* * *

They won the case. Of course they did. No doubt about it. 

The opposition yelled and screamed obscenities at them, which wasn’t the most perfect behaviour in a courtroom. He smiled at them and was genuinely amused. 

That’s what those pissant people got for daring to try to humiliate Tones and wanting to oppress minorities. He never understood why people felt like they had any right at all to suppress others? This wasn’t how the world was supposed to work. 

Each victory felt like a sip from Tony’s best whiskey - heavenly. And this? Even more so. 

They left the courtroom, he with the huge lipstick mark on the cheek next to Laufeyson who smiled like a cat that got the cream. He did. Get the cream, that is. Smug bastard. 

Reporters were waiting outside the courtroom, dying to ask them questions about the case and how they felt after their tremendous victory? (Excellent, are you blind, they look like the cheshire cat.)

“Mr Stark-” 

“It’s Tony,” Tony interrupted the reporter and looked at the others. “C’mon guys, that’s hardly news for you, do I have to tell you time and time again that I am not my father?”

They laughed.

Rhodey smiled a bit and looked at Laufeyson. Who smirked. And had his hoodie wrapped around him. All of sudden he knew this was going to end badly if he didn’t pay attention to what Tony was going to say. 

No way Tony would let this hearing end without dropping another bombshell. 

“Tony, how do you feel after winning that case?” 

He so called that. 

“Good. Really good,” Tony replied, pointed at Laufeyson. “Although I have to admit, I wouldn’t have won this case if not for that magnificent lawyer. He really fought tooth and nail to win this case and ensured that we also got granted some new rights.” 

Laufeyson tilted his head slightly and winked at the cameras. “For the Freedom of Speech,” he declared, “there is no price too high to ensure this amendment.” 

Tony winked at him.

Rhodey wanted to vomit. Pepper just smiled. 

The reporter asked some more questions: will Tony continue to turn up at rallys (he will), will SI do more for oppressed minorities (they already have and will continue to do so, plans are being made), is there a favourite meme Tony prefers of himself? 

No. No. No. 

He saw the spark in Tony’s eyes when they fell on Laufeyson’s MY DICK hoodie and he knew, oh he knew, Tony was going to cause a lot of trouble for them.

Pepper would kill them all. With spoons. If she felt like being nice (somewhat). 

“You _certainly_ know about the rumours of my lawyer and me?” 

Laufeyson’s smirk suddenly turned all evangelical. The reporters nodded, already smelling the story coming out of Tony’s mouth. 

“Well, there is one in particular like. We’re both in that meme and I’m speaking to him, saying-” 

Oh nononononononononono.

“-’I’d love to suck hi’-”

Rhodey’s hand clamped over Tony’s great, treacherous mouth, cutting of the “dick” that slips out very, very quietly but they all know what he wanted to say. 

It was too obvious. 

“Thank you for your attention,” Pepper cut in sweet as an angel while her eyes screamed vengeance and destruction and inferno. “But the conference is over. Now.” 

They all left in a hurry.

* * *

Rhodey had turned off his television and refused to turn it back on. Anything it was showing which was important at all he either knew already or he would be hearing about soon enough via Tony or Pepper. Or maybe Happy, if he got into enough trouble that he didn’t think he could handle it - and honestly if it got that far, it was probably too late for any help. 

His computer was also turned off, not to be turned on again until things died down. It made work a little harder to get to, but it was a worthy sacrifice. 

If he could get away with it, he didn’t intend to turn anything back on again for the next week. A week without any hearings, and there was a small chance that everything would have calmed down enough to be somewhat bearable again. There would be new memes, of course, and newscasts, interviews, think pieces, etcetera etcetera etcetera… But he wouldn’t have to watch them as they were produced. 

A week of peace. A week of ignoring everything - including work, since that wouldn’t be viable with him under a voluntary, personal blackout. That was fine. He was due some time off.

Instead, he’d work through his movie library, avoiding the cable channels. He go outside, far away from any rallies, and go to some nice restaurants. He might do something really wild and read a book. The sky was the limit without the results of Tony’s impulses dictating the layout of his days. 

Once he was cleaned up, with only a speck or two of stubborn glitter still sticking to his skin and a hot cup of coffee in his mind, he was actually feeling good enough to pick up his phone and send Tony a quick text. 

“ _ **You owe me one after all of this, Tones.**_ ”

The coffee was half gone and the first book Rhodey intended to crack picked out when his phone vibrated with Tony’s reply.

“ _ **I owe you like 8 at this point, but hey. Who’s counting? ;)**_ ”

It probably wasn’t hitting the glass of the window which broke his phone, really. More likely it was when it hit the street and got run over be a few passing cars.

He’d have to give Pepper a call later, using his landline. One of those 8 favors Tony owed him was going to be a new cell phone.

**Author's Note:**

>  
> 
> <https://mckitterick.tumblr.com/post/174854844979>  
> 


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